Chaos of the mind

Does anyone else ever want to just explode, scream, run away because of frustration and confusion?

I sure do today.

  Siiiiigh.  Where to start?  I don't know.
  College is hard.  It's nice to be back in school.  I like having something solid like that to give me a direction of where I'm going in life.  It's so hard to not know where you're going or what you're working towards.  The grades are all based off of tests, and you have to have dedication and motivation to actually do the reading and take the notes and study, becuase no one is giving quizzes to make sure you are, or reading assignments.  It's all your choice.  Of course, spending thousands of dollars is a little bit of encouragement to do well.  But still, it's hard to not get caught up in all the social opportunities and stay behind and work. 
  I think this is the first and last year I'll try to work while I'm in school.  It's already hard to find plenty of time to study, and classes are only going to get harder.  I'll work in the summers full time, but I think next year I'll just want to focus on school...and maybe a certain boy. 
  Speaking of boys.  Me and Connorie have really only made friends with a few guys that are friends with a kid named Andy that we met in our Connections class.  Other than that....not really.  Girls are hard to make friends with in my opinion...they tend to be a lot more judgemental than boys, so it's hard for me to drop my guard at all around them or even give them a chance.  So I haven't really done much in the friend department.  Oh well...I still have Nicky and Connorie and my good frend Lauren, and they are always there for me. You guys are great. 
  I feel so sad today.  I miss Erik more than I even want to admit to myself.  I worry about him and still can't help but blame myself for at least part of his depression.  He is going through hell everyday and I want more than anything to be there with him helping him to pull through this and get better.  He has such great dreams for the future and deserves happiness more than anyone else I know.  Life isn't fair.
  It's raining outside today.  I love the rain.  It's a fresh start, a way to wash away all the dirt and grime and make everything fresh and new.  The smell, the taste, the feel.  Nothing is better than listening to the sound of rain falling on a window or roof while laying in bed.  I love it.  Love love love it. 
  Don't know why I'm feeling like this today.  I'm stuck in the past, thinking about all the good times we've had together, all the things I want for us, how bad I want to be the only one, his angel. If only wishes were enough.  Wouldn't have wasted a moment if I could go back.  That's the thing about the present though, you don't miss it until it's gone, don't want to go back and change it all until it's too late.  
  I need him like air, like a drug.  The withdrawals keep getting worse, the sadness and the ache deepen everday.  But I don't tell him.  Nothing can change about the circumstances, so there's no point making him feel bad when there's nothing to change.  
  I'm scared to be alone this weekend again.  Scared to be alone with my thoughts that aren't all that happy.  I'm trying, I really am.  And most the time, I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and living in the moment rather than reflecting on the chaos below the surface.  I wish I could have him with me, instead of listening to my stupid fears and worrying about being left alone all the time.
 Snap out of it Sloan.  Sorry I only write when I'm upset it seems, that's when it's easiest to write.  Maybe I just need to get a real journal no one else will read....lol.  Oh well...I'm going to go listen to the rain and Jon Schmidt. 

OCD

Silence all around you, voices begging in your head



Begging for death, for it all to stop, no more pain-


But it all continues-


The pain, the misery, the hell on earth


Incomparable, not understandable by any outside


The padded walls that line your mind


taking in the silent screaming that begs


for death, for it all to stop, no more pain..






There are no choices, only the driving compulsions


“not worthy, not worthy, never enough for her”


No happiness, no relief, no end to all the misery


Waiting for some sort of reprieve,


A release, some God-given way out


The days drag on with only disquiet


The small voice in the back of your mind-


“not worthy, not worthy, never enough for anyone”






Let it end! Make it stop! The continual cry


For help, for love, for someone to try


Can’t change these feelings, rooted so deep


Eating, decaying, destroying all inside


Happiness was all you wanted, a chance to shine


But this curse, this gift, this hell on earth


Kills all in sight, destroys any light


You cry at night to someone, to anyone


For help, for love, for someone to try…






You wait in the darkness. Silence surrounds.


First one ray, then others will pierce through the night


Hope trickles in like a stream in a desert


A hand pulls you up from the black of your mind


Another joins, then another and another


Till you break through the shadows


The daylight streams in, destroying all that blinds you


The journey is over-you’ve made it at last


The enemy’s defeated, humiliated, destroyed






No longer will sadness and gloom pervade


Your mind is your own, your choices to make


Lift up your head, break through and shine


It’s your day, it’s your time