Apology

  I feel awful inside.  Honestly I wish I could just go crawl in a hole and hide from the world. I feel sick, like something inside of me is just eating me alive.  Guilt?  Is that what it's called?  I didn't mean to ruin your night, to make you feel bad, to make it all that much worse. Too good to be true right?  I can't make people happy this week.  I want to, but for some reason I am really struggling.  I feel sick.  I am so tired of life this week.  :( I'm sorry.....so so sorry.

Time flies when you don't want to leave

  You know someone loves you when they see you cry-absolutely hardcore crying, none of this cute sniffing stuff-and they tell you you're beautiful while they wipe away your tears.  
  3 more days........This is getting weird.  I just want to cry all the time.  I am really not good at this whole moving out thing, haha.  I'm excited in a way...but absolutely heartbroken and sad in others. Soooo bad at letting everything go and changing. 
  Here's my plan for the next three days:
  Wednesday: Finish laundry, pack, call the regents scholarship people, work, then hang out.
  Thursday: Pack, pack, pack, laundry, Connorie's party with all my friends!!
  Friday: Finally finish packing, finish laundry, cry (haha), hang out with Erik and Nicky one last night, oh, and cry some more. hahaha...

Saturday: MOVE TO LOGAN.  Oh my goodness!! When I was little it seemed like college would never ever come, and I always thought I wouldn't go cuz I'd be married, haha I don't know why!  The last time I was really up in Logan was when we moved Jade up there, that was...four years ago?  Three years ago?  Needless to say, I don't really remember anything about it.  I really hope I don't get lost. :) 
  I guess that's it for today.  I still need to order textbooks and finish my project...shoot.  Running out of time...At least I'll have lots of time Thursday and Friday to figure it all out!
  Wish me luck, everyone, I'll need it.

Praying for my missionary and his battle...

  It's been one of those weekends everyone.  College packing has finally caught up to my and my stupid emotions.  I have been a WRECK all weekend.  I'm so so sorry for all of you that have had to put up with me!! God will bless you for it! haha. 
  I want to say it was a good weekend.  It should have been.  But I'm just completely stressed out and really upset about leaving.  On Saturday night at Mitch's party for the end of summer, I looked out over the valley and just thought.  Why did I get sent to Farmington, Utah?  Am I doing the things I'm supposed to be?  Am I going to be able to keep up the friendships I've made that have become my world as I move to college?  No matter how hard I try, things will change.  They always do.  Ali is moving to Indiana.  Boys are leaving on missions.  Jordan and Sean are going to BYU, Sam is going to Weber, Matt is going to Snow, Elise and Laura will be seniors, and Connorie and I are going to USU.  Why do we have all these friendships when they just all leave?  I hate change.  I wish all the friends I've made that have made such an impact on my life were always there.  But in the end, the only people that will be with me for eternity are my family and my future spouse and kids. 
  One of the hardest truths for me to face is that I can't make everyone happy.  There is absolutely no way for me to make all my friends and family happy, especially my parents.  Everyone has expectations, whether it's as a friend, a girlfriend, a child, a sibling, a granddaughter, a student, an employee.  And those expectations are impossible all together.  I can't do it all.  I just can't.  And this kills me.  I crave the approval of the people I love.  I long to be accepted and make people proud of me.  I still haven't overcome this challenge.  I need to make myself happy, or else I can never make other people happy.  I'm still trying to figure out how to do this.  Happiness is a choice...but I believe it's a choice of actions and thoughts, not just attitude.  So telling me to "just be happy" will never accomplish this.  This is a journey; I've got to figure out where to go from the starting line I'm at. 
  No matter how angry I seem, no matter how much I say I want to be alone, 99% of the time, I just want a friend.  Someone who will listen without judging me or preaching at me. Someone to just hug me while I cry and cry with me. I'm the kinda girl who wears her heart on serve.  Not a good idea all the time...but I think I'm usually pretty honest.  This is the stuff I want to change this next year.  Be a better friend, learn that sometimes my happiness is more important than trying to please everyone, be just a genuinely happier Sloan. 
  I will miss Erik and Laura and Elise with all my heart.  I hope to see them and talk to them as often as possible.  They have no idea the influence they've had on me and changing me for the better.  I love them all :)
  5 more days.  Nervous.  Excited.  Sad. 
  14 days.  Old! And finally legal.
Sorry, I know these last few have been whiny.  But hey, I think I'm allowed to be whiny sometimes on my own glob :)
Goodnight

I only have to smile on the outside, right?

  I'm sad tonight.  I want a picture.  I want a walk.  I want to go to Cheesecake factory.  I want to eat a double baconater.  I want a CD.  I want a song.  I want all the things we talked about but never did.  And now it's going to be too late.  But maybe you don't remember all the things you promised me we'd do together.  But I remember.  I remember all of it.  I don't think I'll ever forget it.  
  I'm sad tonight.  It's hard saying goodbye, isn't it? 
 

It's the final countdown!

  Guys, I think I'm too stupid to work at a bank.  Well, I know I'm not, but I swear I keep doing really dumb stuff and it really frustrates me.  Prayers would be great :) I really want this job to work out and to get better at it.
  9 days.  Single digits.  OH MY GOSH.  I am SERIOUSLY freaking out.  I'm so not ready!  I really should be packing....haha.  It can wait for another half hour :) I'm so, SO glad I have Nicky and Connorie going up there with me.  I can't even explain.  I'm really sad I can't come home every weekend to see my family and friends but especially Erik.  :(  However, hopefully I can come down and watch Jazz games with him and his family often or he can come up some weekends.  That would be really great.  I'm going to miss him soooo much...It's like losing my best friend :( Like he said on his blog, he's only a text away...but it's just not the same.  Oh well.  I'm really glad he's serving, it is definitely the best and most important thing.  I'm so proud of him for serving the Lord :)
Shout out to all those missionaries out there.  Andrew Morrow, Erik Hanson, Christian Taylor, Scott Hunter, Logan Pett, Lee Essig...the list goes on and on.  Missionaries are the best :)
  I only have to work three days next week! And for once, I get to work pretty close to home.  I get to work in Bountiful and Farmington...and then North Ogden. Oh well.  It'll still be a better week than this week, work wise.
  Welll....I'm gonna go pack now.  Wish me luck everyone!  Love you all :)

Is there a book called Chicken Soup for the Teased Sloan?

  Frustrated.  Today just was an off day.  I hate the days where you think they're going to be awesome, but by the end of the day you look back and think, gee, that could've gone better.  By a lot.  Oh well.  After tomorrow, the week should be easy and hopefully good. 
  Happy I balanced at work this week :) only two more times!  I got yelled at for the first time ever by a customer today.  It sucked, I didn't even do anything and she flipped out and wanted customer service's number to complain before I even had greeted her at drive through.  Random woman, you sort of made my day worse. 
  Wouldn't it be great if everyone treated all the random people they meet in a day like they were the president or prophet or something?  Suddenly the world would be a much better place.  Hope I can be like that someday. 
  Guess I'm just tired.  I've been down the last few days.  College maybe?  I don't know.  I'm nervous...excited...all of it.  I need to perk up, seriously.  I hope I'm not getting sick...Anyway. I like the really good days a lot better than the bad days for some reason.  Maybe I just need to go get some ice cream :)
  Nothing really to write today, I'm kinda boring.  Sorry, blogging is good for expressing oneself.
  Night night

Perfect summer night < 3

  I really should be asleep, I went to bed really late last night because me and Elise had a sleepover while I house and dog-sat while my parents went out of town for their 25th anniversary.  Jade is in Mississippi visiting her boyfriend Cord who is at basic training or something for the army.  Garrett was at scout camp, so it was just me this weekend.  I think that's the first time that's ever happened actually!  It was kinda nice, I like feeling independent. 
  It's really weird to think I only have ONE MORE Saturday at home before college. Oh my gosh.  SO not ready.  I went shopping for everything today for the dorm with Elise.  It was so expensive! And I'm still not done  :( I have to buy all my notebooks and stuff for classes still, let alone books.  Guess I won't be getting any new clothes for school this year :P Too poor!
  I hung out with Nicky and Erik and two boys named John and Dan that I hadn't met before.  They were both really nice and fun to hang out with. It was a BLAST.  We didn't even do anything that different from the regular hang out, but tonight was just one of those special nights where everything feels perfect and you don't want to end.  Me and Erik talked, about life, about our problems, we laughed, we listened to music...it was just a really great night for both of us.  I have no idea what I'll do at college without my missionary.  Write him, I guess. Haha :)
  21 days till I'm an adult! Woot!  Then I'll actually have to start being careful and stuff, I don't want to get arrested ;)
  12 days till I move to USU. :S Nervous, but really excited. 
  Life, here I come.

15 Days

  15 days. 15 days until my life changes completely.  New place, new "family," new school, new friends, new classes...I mean yeah, I'm not moving THAT far...but still.  After living at home for 18 years, my entire life, it's going to be really hard and scary to move somewhere else without any of the people I've lived with my whole life. 
  I'm so scared.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to move out and be independent and all that.  But I am way nervous to do it.  I don't like change, and this is the biggest change I'll have ever made in my own life by choice.  Yikes.  I just don't feel prepared, but how could I?  I'm so glad I'll have Connorie and Nicky up there to help me through it all.  I'll try to not lose it, haha.  And at least I'll be close enough to come home every few weeks and see my family and friends. 
  One of my biggest fears is being alone.  You read stories in the newspaper about old people that die in their homes and no one knows for weeks that they're even dead.  I don't ever want to be like that! I think that sounds so SO lonely and sad, I would just curl up and die too.  Not having friends, not getting married, just not ever being loved-that's what I'm afraid of.  To know someone cares about you and is watching out for you is exactly what I want.  And I don't ever want to be without it. 
  I feel sad tonight.  Nostalgic.  Sentimental.  I'm rambling now.  I hope this all works out for the best, I hope I'm ready for all this change coming my way.  I need to try to be more optimistic about the whole situation.  It'll be good for me, I can do this. 
  15 days.

Epiphany

  You know what sucks?  The day you realize that there is absolutely nothing about you to set you apart from the millions of other people in the world.  Just a drop in the ocean of life.

A bubblebath sounds great right now

  Hmmmmm...well. First thing I thought of was how bad my feet and legs hurt from standing up wearing one and a half inch heels for 8 straight hours today. Yup. Ouch.

  Work was...not fun today. I had to work in Salt Lake down at Zions Bank Head Office. It stayed constant all day, and you do some tricky stuff, more so than at other branches. But the thing that really ticked me off was that the other two tellers would both just disappear, sometimes for up to twenty minutes, leaving me alone with a line of clients waiting to be helped.
  Um? Hello? I've only worked here a month, only been out of training for two and a half weeks, please don't leave me all alone!! Luckily nothing really bad happened, but still. I did 145 transactions today, and the next highest was 94. Yeah, there's a bit of a difference there.
  Enough complaining about work though. Erik surprised me by coming in this morning :) :) Definitely made my day. One dollar deposited ;) Totally worth it. He gave me a ride to my car in the parking terrace a couple blocks down after work, how kind of him :) Of course, then I had the creepy construction workers whistle at me as I walked by trying to find a freaking elevator. Seriously? That's sick. Eugh! Don't worry, I made it alive (obviously. haha) to my car and didn't even crash on the way home. Whew. What a day. It's funny, after work I always feel like it's a whole separate day at home. I think I'm going to take some advil for my legs.
  In other news. Me and Erik are finally in an official open relationship. Um....yep. That's all I'm gonna say, besides I'm extremely happy about this. :) He makes me so happy and is so sweet to me. :)
  I want to go see Inception again. Anyone want to come with?
  I don't have much more to say....too tired to even try to think of deep thoughts or be funny today. I'll save it for tomorrow since I only work 11:45 to 5:15.


Countdown: 19 days till I move to USU
                    27 days till I'm an official adult

And the winner of the Mean Girls award goes to...

  You know what I hate?  Mean girls.  The kind of girls that can't let anything go.  Ever.  Even if it's in their past.  Even if it has absolutely nothing to do with them.  Even if they have no right whatsoever to say anything about any of it, and they still have to create drama wherever they can.  Someone just needs to tell them to shut their mouths and STAY OUT of other people's business and personal lives. 
  Please.  You'd be doing us all a favor.  Just mind your own business and stop interrupting my life.  Thanks.