There are those days.
Everyone has them. The days where you are able to realize fully and completely how inadequate, flawed, and imperfect you as an individual are, on so many levels.
And then you take a step back and look at yourself from a less harsh point of view; after all, we are our own worst critic.
But then that step back, that look in the mirror, still reflects someone that you don't know anymore, someone that you don't want to be, someone that you're really not sure how they slowly slipped into your mind and convinced you to change into a person you loathe.
The human brain is incredible. It takes our surroundings and changes them, gives them meaning-feelings, sight, sound, and touch. It can blind us from the truth, hiding the demon in us all. It tells us how to act, react, and think. It has the power to rationalize almost any situation, even the ones that scream out to others' that you are not okay anymore.
It's these sort of days where I can't help but wonder how this core, central organ gained dominance over my will, that intangible Something that has always been the little voice in my head keeping me sane and on the right track.
I'm scared of the days when both my brain and my will are finally able to agree- when the carnal and spiritual line up perfectly-.
The image I hold of myself is Somebody That I Used to Know.
I don't know the stranger that I've become.
How do you find the will to change yourself when mistakes are inevitable, and the refiner's fire becomes intolerable?
How do you find the will to change yourself when you don't feel like you deserve the chance to erase the blots and mistakes in your own book, and start over with a clean, fresh page?
It's the days like this, the days I realize that I still have to wake up tomorrow morning and try to improve myself, even if I feel past the point of repair, that almost do me in mentally.
But life goes on, and time will pass. No matter how hard we try to speed a moment up, or to slow it down to nothing, inevitably and invariably, time will win the battle.
So do I live with this Stranger that's become my constant mental companion, or do I find the strength to cast her out and become the person that I know is still in there somewhere?
Do I have a choice?
Not really.
So here's to starting over every new day.
To taking in constructive criticism, to admitting when a wrong has been committed that has hurt myself or another, and to apologizing.
Here's to learning to forgive myself, and others.
Here's to re-learning that I am someone that deserves to love and be loved in all of my relationships.
Here's to taking that incredibly hard first step, even when you're completely broken from falling.
Here's to believing, no matter how impossible it may seem, that Heavenly Father can perfect me, and that He loves me and knows me intimately.
Here's to learning the hard way that you can't fix bridges you burned carelessly.
And if that doesn't hurt you enough to make you want to change....
Here's to starting over. Again. For the millionth time it seems. But I can't keep taking steps backwards, because there is only time to move forward in this life.
And so life goes on.
